What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?

I did it because my mum asked me too!

I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.

Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!

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I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .

He knew the spot.

Who then, do I blame.?

Shouldn’t there be a short porn platform like TikTok?

Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.

It was going to be , some day.

She loved him until the end.

Was Michael Jackson really an innocent person?

They are buried together, in the same grave..

As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!

I will be 64.

Why does my mother care about my sister more than me?

He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.

One cannot live in the past .

But, we were locked up after school.

What has been your best sexual experience?

My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.

I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!

I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.

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Where the ultimate outsiders.

He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!

We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!

Did you ever accidentally have sex with your brother/sister in India?

As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!

I write beautiful poetry .

I might have to go back 30 generations or more..

Why is going on a date today so much different than it was when I was young?

Ive learnt so much.

When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!

A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.

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One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.

My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.

It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.

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She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.

I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor

When she asked me how she looked .

How can I control my daily masturbating habit?

My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .

The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..

But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!

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Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.

He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.

We could never speak unless he spoke to us!

Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.

One cannot hold on to bitterness.

I said to her

He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!

Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.

I could never make a relationship work though!

Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.

My family never makes their pension either.

I don,t even have a pension.

But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!

As i do to all so called friends.?

But im dying ,and its too late for me.

I was writing from the time i was a small child.

He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.

I was seconnd youngest,

Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other

And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!

This is soul school!.

I know ,a lot about trauma.

Thats was my nicest nick name for him

And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!

She was a women, a mother with her own children!.

We were not on the streets..

As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.

Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.

We all went to grammer schools

She married twice! .

The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!

She found it foreign!.

This is how, and why children get BPD.

Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.

I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.

Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.

Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.

Was to survive, this bastard.

Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.

That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.

I was scared of men, in general

I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers

So whats the point in blame.

But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !

Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!

We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.

She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.

He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.

So, i spoilt her more .

I was very sick at this time too.

But im an empath, and i help lots of people.

And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!

Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years

With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.

The only rule us 5 kids had .

Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.

The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.

I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.

As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.

My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.

You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.

Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..

Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)

I had hoped to write a book about this .

One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.

She wouldn,t have been !

I think the readers, may guess!

He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!

I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)

It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.

Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.

What did i know ?

He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!

Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!

19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.

I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.

Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.

Especially a lifetime of it.

Another so called friend had bit the dust..

Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.

I was 9 years of age.

And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.

Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.

I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.

Im still living with it.

He was dying to do it , i knew.

My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!

I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.

He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!

He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.

We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..

For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)

Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life

And who doesn’t know suffering?

Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!

But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.

I suffer greatly, because of BPD..

Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!

I couldn’t, believe it.

Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..

Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.

My mum and dad in the seventies!

I waited trembling.

Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..

On the 31st of Jan this month .

One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)

Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.

Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.

She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!

She was in good health!

But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).

I of course replied” arh beautiful!

Its mostly always from childhood abuse .

I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.

And, all my friends down the years ,where users.

As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)

She died at 55 of colon cancer.

Would this be the day?

I never cut or harmed myself..

(And it was in our own minds.)

Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.

But it wasn’t much.

.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them

I have no regrets .

His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.

But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,

Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.

Why did i forgive my father ?

They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?

So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.

All the time i was locked up.

His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!

The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,

She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!

Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.

Put me off passion for life!!

We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.

BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.

Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t

I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.

But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .

5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.

I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!

And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!

My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.

You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .

She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!

He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .

Im dying but, im not bitter.

I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.

But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!

I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.

But ive been too sick for many years..

He resisted the act ,that day.

Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..

My life is so biszare .

Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?

So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.

I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.

Comes on , in middle age.

And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)

And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .

And i lived it daily.

At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.