What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 17.06.2025 14:02
So, i spoilt her more .
My mum and dad in the seventies!
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
But ive been too sick for many years..
Why is the covert narcissist actively avoiding me when they see me everyday?
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
Why do people love to live alone in a house?
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
(And it was in our own minds.)
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
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Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
I was seconnd youngest,
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And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
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The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
Comes on , in middle age.
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I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
I don,t even have a pension.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
Especially a lifetime of it.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
Where the ultimate outsiders.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
I was scared of men, in general
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
And i lived it daily.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
She was in good health!
I had hoped to write a book about this .
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
I said to her
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
She found it foreign!.
Would this be the day?
We were not on the streets..
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
Ive learnt so much.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
Im still living with it.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
He resisted the act ,that day.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
But it wasn’t much.
What did i know ?
The only rule us 5 kids had .
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
I will be 64.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
I never cut or harmed myself..
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
My family never makes their pension either.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
But, we were locked up after school.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
As i do to all so called friends.?
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
I think the readers, may guess!
This is soul school!.
I write beautiful poetry .
We all went to grammer schools
I couldn’t, believe it.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
So whats the point in blame.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
He knew the spot.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
I waited trembling.
Why did i forgive my father ?
I was 9 years of age.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
He was dying to do it , i knew.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
Who then, do I blame.?
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
It was going to be , some day.
My life is so biszare .
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
When she asked me how she looked .
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
I have no regrets .
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
I was very sick at this time too.
She wouldn,t have been !
I could never make a relationship work though!
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
Was to survive, this bastard.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
One cannot live in the past .
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
All the time i was locked up.
She loved him until the end.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
Put me off passion for life!!
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
She married twice! .