What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
12.06.2025 14:45
I was 9 years of age.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
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The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
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We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
Im still living with it.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
I was very sick at this time too.
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But it wasn’t much.
So whats the point in blame.
Was to survive, this bastard.
Why can’t the British eat or drink anything unless they place a table cloth on the table first?
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
This is how, and why children get BPD.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
What are 10 interesting facts about you?
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
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I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
Comes on , in middle age.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
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And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
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My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
My son is possessed, now he has psychosis. Can someone help me?
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
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He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
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She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
The only rule us 5 kids had .
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
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5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
Who then, do I blame.?
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
What transforms the philosophical intellect?
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
He knew the spot.
It was going to be , some day.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
He was dying to do it , i knew.
He resisted the act ,that day.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
When she asked me how she looked .
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
I will be 64.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
So, i spoilt her more .
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
My family never makes their pension either.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
I did it because my mum asked me too!
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
One cannot live in the past .
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
Would this be the day?
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
I never cut or harmed myself..
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
She married twice! .
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
As i do to all so called friends.?
She was in good health!
We were not on the streets..
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
What did i know ?
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
This is soul school!.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
She wouldn,t have been !
She loved him until the end.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
I couldn’t, believe it.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
Especially a lifetime of it.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
We all went to grammer schools
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
I could never make a relationship work though!
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
I waited trembling.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
My life is so biszare .
Where the ultimate outsiders.
I write beautiful poetry .
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
I don,t even have a pension.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
Put me off passion for life!!
She found it foreign!.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
Ive learnt so much.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
But ive been too sick for many years..
They are buried together, in the same grave..
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
And i lived it daily.
I said to her
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
I think the readers, may guess!
I had hoped to write a book about this .
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
I was scared of men, in general
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
I have no regrets .
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
Why did i forgive my father ?
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
All the time i was locked up.
I was seconnd youngest,
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
(And it was in our own minds.)
But, we were locked up after school.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !